I am proud of myself for learning the habit of looking for the blessings when things don’t go my way. Does it happen instantly? Well, hell no, is the short answer. Sometimes it takes a moment or two ..or days… But I know they are there and eventually will come into the light.
So, last night, I hosted my first “Facebook Live” event. I thought I had covered the bases and thought of everything I needed to do in preparation for all scenarios in advance. With the exception of receiving the message (two minutes before kick-off, of course)… “Your browser does not support Facebook live events.” The panic begins creeping up through my body; I mean, really, I’ve only been advertising this thing for weeks… and asked friends to join in… and… and…
I try opening another browser. And another. Nope. I can’t get into my own FB live event. Omg. I try to laugh it off and joke around as I fumble nervously with my computer and then, eventually, my “smart” phone… my “plan B.” I finally just shut it all down, log off, and begin again.
I finally get the thing going on the phone, but it’s awkwardly perched with my mini-tripod on top of my computer keyboard… that I needed because I was using it for extra lighting since the room is so dark at dusk. But then, the phone keeps saying, “Rotate your phone,” but never stabilizes with me in an upright position, even though I am furiously rotating the dang thing in every direction in this plane of existence. At this point, I am ready to shut off all the computers and phones and go hide in the closet. Seriously. But alas, after what feels like about 42 years, but in reality, it is only the longest 3 minutes of my life, it all magically calms down. And then I calm down. But I am still rattled to my core and feel pushed out of equilibrium.
I have accumulated a considerable amount of knowledge around the evenings’ subject matter; I have even written a book about it, and I am currently writing another, for goodness sakes! But everything I had planned to say seemed to be still swirling around in a tailspin of chaos that I can only label as a technical shitshow. I recovered eventually, but I could still feel the residual panic coursing through my veins in a full-body aftermath.
Upon awakening this morning, I laugh riotously at myself and what my mind must have looked like after the previous night’s “for entertainment purposes only” display of silliness. But, of course, I am sure to others it wasn’t even half as bad as it seemed to be in my mind. What really bothered me was not so much all the technical snafus but my reaction to them. And hence… the blessing makes itself known.
I have identified an ancient and covert pattern within myself. When I feel totally out of control, and things aren’t going my way…AT ALL… depending on the circumstances, my emotional body has some type of total meltdown. I began to see how this is an emotional response I learned from what is commonly now being labeled “childhood trauma.” The useless pursuit of perfectionism.
Ok. So, labels aside, I recognize the lifetime of familiarity in the feeling of powerlessness in stressful situations. In my meditation this morning, I was gifted the insight about this pattern that apparently still needs some healing. I spent some time in deep reflection and gave myself a massive dose of compassion. It actually made me start laughing because I could see it all so clearly! My Pisces moon aspect can get her feathers ruffled when things go utterly askew. The blessing is the awareness. Awareness is the very first step, and often the most challenging, to all self-healing.
I am sharing all this because it feels like such a powerful healing opportunity that I believe many people can relate to. Eventually (lol), I am so grateful when I recognize a reaction/response… (i.e., limiting belief pattern = nothing is within my control) that is not serving my highest good. Because there IS a part of… any situation…that is under my control. And that is, how I respond to it. Tada!
So, as of today, my new affirmation that I am working with is, “I am so happy and grateful that my default response is for the highest and best good of all.” I will never be perfect, and as long as I know in my heart that I am doing my best, my best is good enough… She says, in a calm, serene tone… haha!
xoxCollin
